So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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