i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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