he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
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