two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
