I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
