Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Randomize
