...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Randomize
