I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Randomize
