Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
