Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
