Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
