there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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