god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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