Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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