Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
