I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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