Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
