I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
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