Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
