I'm so fucking centered right now
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
