There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Randomize
