i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Randomize
