quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Randomize
