The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I puked a lego.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
