I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
