Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
