Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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