Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
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