Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
My dick has a subreddit
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
