Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
