I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
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