Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Randomize
