i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
