i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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