Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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