Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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