i need an iv and a liver transplant
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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