I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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