apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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