Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
