I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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