Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
