Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize