I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
