I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
A+ Viking dick
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
