Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
