my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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