I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
