Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
