upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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