i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
