i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
