She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
