just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
