the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
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