I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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