just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
