she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
sarcasm needs its own font
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
