Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
