"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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