i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
he was CRYING into my vagina
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
