I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
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