Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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