mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
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